Kim Kirmmse Toth - Small Business Coach

When Life Simply Happens

None of us goes through life without any grief or loss. And it can stop us in our tracks when it does happen.

And death is a part of the Circle of Life, so why is it so hard?

For me, even though my husband had been so very sick for so many years, it still comes almost as a shock.

While he was on his own journey, I was on my own journey as well.

Here are some things that I have learned. Many of which I am still learning.

  • No matter how long someone has been ill, when things start going bad, you still think they are going to ‘beat’ this like they always have before.
  • Doctor’s appointments and tests become routine. We took his keys away so he couldn’t drive himself. Plus, he was never honest with the doctors or gave accurate results of what the doctor told him. This is not unusual for him, or for others from other stories I have heard from other people.
  • Beware of doctors giving narcotics when they should not. I hid everything.
  • Be an advocate for whoever is ill. In our situation Doctors gave him false hope. That may or may not be ok, but it’s hard for those around him when we know something isn’t going to happen (IE, you can get a liver transplant. Really?)
  • Get a DNR as soon as the patient is ready for that. I got 2. From his primary care doctor and from his attorney.
  • Some doctors will also recommend strongly, in our case, to totally change his diet. Really? As sick as he is a different diet isn’t going to fix him. We gave him whatever he wanted.
  • Home health care nurses are the best. Respectful, caring and very knowledgeable.
  • Family and friends are wonderful. But in the end they all go home and it’s just the two of you again. (Which isn’t always a bad thing!)
  • Even though all of us around him could see what was happening, he could not. We learned how important it was to take things the way he wanted and to go at his own pace.
  • Home Hospice is wonderful.  I had promised to keep him at home till the end but I couldn’t for many reasons.
  • A Hospice facility was what he really needed and that is what we did. I 100% believe he did not know we even moved him.
  • Hospice could keep him calmer and less agitated than I could ever do at home.

It’s been almost 2 months since Stan passed.

Going ‘back to work’ is harder than I ever thought it would be. I am so grateful that I am an entrepreneur and work for myself. I was able to work my whole life around what Stan needed. Working was out of the question.

Those of you who work for yourself know this to be true. What a blessing it is.

I am also learning there are ‘incidents’ along the way that can derail you temporarily.  Going to a new doctor and having the check the ‘widow’ box. Ouch. Then there is getting a call from one of his doctor’s office to set up an appointment. Not only did she not know he had passed but she never said “I am so sorry to hear” or “My condolences”. Nothing.

And from what I hear from others who have lost a spouse or someone close is that things like this will continue to happen.

So, I will be prepared. And I will move forward on my new life and my new journey. I am also feeling very opposite as I travel solo.

 

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2 Comments


  1. Marg
    Jul 11, 2014

    Thanks for sharing these lessons!! Shame on that doctors office for their lack of sincerity :( You’re in my thoughts Kim!!


  2. Kim
    Jul 12, 2014

    Thank you Marge, so much. And I am sure there will be many other ‘situations’ along the way. At least that is what I have been told by others who have been in my situation. Time will tell!

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